September 2006 Archives

As it is the Great North Run this weekend I thought I'd share a landmark moment in my life, a moment which shall live with and plague me for the rest of my living days and which may just inspire me to one day join the 50,000 lunatics who will spend Sunday morning running for 13.3 miles across Tyneside.

It all started when I noticed something disturbing, something which sent a shiver down my spine and forced my forehead into the sort of frown not seen since I struggled with my GCSE maths exam. Something which has, nevertheless, prompted much hilarity among my friends and their families.

Have you noticed how the leaves are starting to change colour on the trees and how the wind carries a little bit of a chill as you step out of your front door? Yes, that's right, autumn is upon us and it is time to start worrying about Trick or Treaters, stray fireworks and, if you're really organised - or sad depending on your viewpoint - Christmas presents.

If you're a sports fan it is probably also time to start worrying about the long term health of your team as the long winter nights draw in and the warm summer feelings of hope, excitement and expectation disappear.

So Celestine Babayaro has pulled out of the squad for Newcastle United’s Uefa Cup game against Levadia Tallinn because he has suffered a slight groin strain - somehow you suspect ‘slight’ is the operative word.

If there are players who would put their hand in the fire for the team - Scott Parker and James Milner spring to mind - there are those who simply wouldn’t put their hand anywhere near the fireplace, whether there was a fire in it or not and I’m afraid I’m starting to believe Celestine is one of them.

Bond could feel the heat of the laser at it edged ever closer to the painful region between his legs and the trickle of sweat as it dripped off his forehead and on to the mahogany table in the gleaming Newcastle United boardroom.

Bond knew he was in trouble, the evidence against him did not look good and for once it did not seem likely that he would be able to talk himself out of trouble.

“Do you expect me to talk Goldfinger?� asked Bond as Goldfinger turned away from him and headed for the exit door.

“No Mr Bond, I Expect You To Die,� he replied, as he calmly tossed him his P45, opened the boardroom door and shut it firmly behind him.

The United States Golf Team arrived in Dublin last week claiming God was on their side and they left with a sixth Ryder Cup defeat out of seven.

What does this tell us? Does it tell us that God cannot play Golf very well or does it suggest the preaching of their born-again Christian captain Tom Lehman was a load of old rubbish?

The funny - well not so funny - thing is, when Islamic fundamentalists claim God is on their side, Americans tend to bristle with indignation, but when they come over to play a game of Golf they claim the All Mighty is waving a stars and stripes flag with his golf clubs thrown over his other shoulder.

Sunderland have lost for the first time under Roy Keane and although there were no earthquakes, or even the sound of smashing plates, I can tell you the Black Cats boss was far from happy with his players after the 3-1 defeat at Ipswich.

How do I know? By looking at the players after the game of course. Neill Collins looked a funny shade of grey when he came out of the dressing room, Dean Whitehead looked white and Stanislav Varga looked completely disorientated - a bit like he was for Ipswich's third goal.

Grant Leadbitter spent 10 minutes running around the centre circle on his own in some sort of strange warm down routine and Dwight Yorke - not for the first time - preferred to keep what had happened behind closed doors out of the papers.

If you go down to the woods today you'll be sure of a big surprise. If you go down to the woods today you won't believe your eyes - Tiger Woods slicing and pulling a golf ball like an idiot!

As I speak, not only am I pretending to be European, I am also pretending I know lots about golf, although thankfully I don't have to pretend to like Americans.

If you've been watching on television, did you see the guy in the stars and stripes jumper wearing a George Bush plastic mask? What an idiot. Then it hit me, perhaps it was George Bush. Think about it.

Brace yourself for war at the K Club in Dublin (is it just me or does that sound like it should be the name of a night club) - because the Ryder Cup is with us and it’s time for us Brits to pretend we consider ourselves to be European.

Let’s face it, we normally like to claim we have more in common with the SUV drivers on the other side of the Atlantic than with the croissant crunchers on the contintent, but when it comes to golf, nope we’ll be walking around claiming we’re all for Europe, the Euro and migrant workers from Eastern Europe!

It is not often that I pay tribute to somebody, but if I could be so bold I would like to do so to my Gran who died last week aged 93. Elizabeth Williams was a unique woman in so many ways, but why should I write about her on a sports blog you may wonder?

Well, other than the fact I can do what I want on this site, she was, believe it or not, given my own lack of horse-riding expertise, one of the first female jockeys in the country to race with and against men.

If there is one thing you can rely on in football - along with Chelsea outbidding their rivals for a transfer target - it is that Craig Bellamy will open his big gob at a bad moment.

The Welsh international has supposedly changed his ways now that he has moved to Anfield, as well as changing his supporting allegiance to Liverpool despite previously always insisting he had been a Cardiff fan as a kid, but big gobs never learn to keep it shut in the same way a leopard can never hope to lick off its spots.

I''m told the altercation in the tunnel after the 2-0 defeat were sparked when the gob on two legs suggested to former teammates they should not be too disheartened by the defeat because if they play well for Newcastle they might also get a move to a big club like he did!