I'm jetting off for a short break in Budapest on Wednesday afternoon and as I'm going to be at the airport and as Newcastle United were there to fly out to Estonia to play in the Uefa Cup on Tuesday I thought I'd give you a brief guide to the Premiership footballer's tricks of the trade.
No, not for playing football you understand, for avoiding interviews and unwanted attention before boarding a flight to Europe. Given the fact that the Magpies' 2-1 home defeat to Fulham was still fresh in the memory most of the squad were at their evasive best this week.
Number One: The Pretend to use Mobile Phone Trick.
This is very popular for those who have have recently had a nightmare on the pitch - eg Titus Bramble or Obafemi Martins or anyone other than Scott Parker - but can also be used for those who simply hate sharing their thoughts with journalists/fans.
It is very simple, either dial a friend just before you walk into the public area and chat happily while breezing through the crowds, carefully ensuring you do not catch anyone's eye. Alternatively, if friend doesn't pick up, simply pretend they have and blabber away, while saying yep and hmm lots. Also ensure you do not catch anyone's eye. However, be careful you do not try this in a no signal zone or while operating heavy machinery!
Number Two: The 50 Yard Stare.
Without the aid of a distraction like a phone, this involves the subject fixing his sights on a distant object and never straying from it. You may have to stop occasionally to sign autographs, but never stop long enough to be forced into a conversation. Steal the pen if you feel as though you are getting trapped. They won't mind if you have just signed their shirt with your trademark, ineligible squiggle.
Please note, this works best with your ipod earphones on and the music turned up really loud. Again, if batteries have run out, just pretend.
Number Three: The Give Me One Moment Approach.
If approached to do an interview simply tell them you need to do something very quickly, like check in or buy a copy of Nuts magazine. Then, when they are not looking, walk quickly (but never jog it's too obvious) in the direction of the players' private lounge and plead short-term memory loss if ever quizzed about it at a later date.
Number Four: Turn Up Late.
Nobody can expect to interview you if the gate is about to close and you're going to miss the flight if you don't check in immediately. Highly effective, but risky. If you're too late you are likely to be fined, dropped or both. Managers don't tend to like members of their squad missing flights to important European games.
Number Five: I Don't Speak English Scam.
A classic and highly-effective ploy used by the Premiership's foreign imports, even if they have given interviews in English before. Mumble something in own language followed by 'sorry, I don't understand' and then walk off sharply in direction of teammates. Doesn't work if you are from the British Isles, unless you're not very bright.
Number Six: The Blunt Refusal.
This can either be done politely, with a 'no thanks,' or 'sorry I haven't got time' or rudely with a 'no way you idiot' or 'I'd rather have my teeth pulled out with a rusty pair of pliers than share my thoughts about football, life, the Labour leadership struggle etc etc with you.....' For added emphasis, add the odd swear word, but make sure this is not in the earshot of small children or you'll get in trouble.
Right, I'm off to pack. I'd promise to tell you all about my weekend on the banks of the Danube when I get back, but somehow I doubt very much if you will be interested.
Feel free to leave any comments while I'm away and let's hope Newcastle win on Thursday night, it's far too early for the season to descend into talk of a crisis!
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