Don't Hold Your Breath

Posted by Luke on October 2, 2006 11:31 AM

So today is the day when the football industry will have its dirty laundry hung out in public, the day when the dodgy deals and illegal back handers which plague football are exposed by the much-vaunted inquiry by the former head of the Metropolitan Police Lord Stevens.

Personally, I can’t wait. It’s a bit like the FA Cup Third Round draw, but rather than waiting to find out whether your team has landed an exciting draw we are waiting to find out which clubs and managers have been caught with their hands in the tills.

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No Style And Little Substance

Posted by Luke on October 2, 2006 1:14 PM

It is a popular mantra among some top managers, whether they have been sacked and are sitting in a comfortable chair in a television studio or are still working at the coal face, that tactics don’t matter, players do.

They might well be right. Only the most foolish of Newcastle supporters would argue that the Magpies have a better first team squad than Manchester United, so perhaps Glenn Roeder was right to change his tactics and adopt a 4-5-1 formation which, ultimately, looked as though it had been designed with a damage limitation exercise in mind.

Few expected Newcastle to get anything out of the trip to Old Trafford at the weekend and Roeder was merely trying to make the best of what he had, but, for me, that is rather depressing.

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The Mafia, Ghostbusters and Graeme Souness

Posted by Luke on October 3, 2006 5:34 PM

What do you call a Sunderland fan in Europe? A mirage. What do you call a Middlesbrough fan in Europe? A flashback. After their humbling experience at Old Trafford on Sunday, Newcastle fans were in need of cheering up this week and the prospect of gloating about their European status will have been enough to make even the grumpiest Geordie afford themselves a little smirk.

I still remember those two intoxicated Newcastle fans breathing their beer fumes over me as they cracked that joke, not once, but twice for added effect, following United’s passage into the Uefa Cup against Ventspils. But they were right, even if the amount they had drunk was very wrong and undoubtedly bad for their health.

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You Should Have Gone to Sumo

Posted by Luke on October 4, 2006 3:09 PM

I am a little worried about the Newcastle Falcons and it has nothing to do with the fact they have won just one game this season and are playing a far superior looking team in the Llanelli Scarlets on Friday night, although admittedly that is quite a frightening prospect.

I just think someone should tell them that, just because their pack has been bullied a bit this season, they can’t go around hitting people when things don’t go their own way.

But where have they been this week? To Glenn McCory’s boxing gym in Northumberland for boxing lessons from two Cuban coaches who are doing a research trip - a little early don’t you think - for the 2012 Olympics.

Quite what a skipping rope, gloves and shadow boxing are going to bring to the party when an egg-shaped ball is squirming around in front of you and an 18 stone prop is jumping on your head is a mystery to me.

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Pink - It's The New Blue

Posted by Luke on October 8, 2006 11:57 AM

Falcons player Joe Shaw wearing the new strip Like most people I don't often admit I'm wrong, but for once I'm going to swallow my pride and just come on out and say it. Yes, Newcastle Falcons, you were right, boxing lessons apparently can be useful for rugby players.

Personally, I couldn't see the point in the Falcons spending a day at a boxing gym before their EDF Energy Cup clash with the Llanelli Scarlets last week which is why I suggested they tried Sumo wrestling instead.

Skipping ropes and boxing gloves didn't seem to have a place on the rugby pitch, but then again, neither did pink shirts and the Falcons have brought them into the game in spectacular style.

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Match Making

Posted by Luke on October 9, 2006 11:40 AM

The program is pretty good, the idea was a novel one and my brother Daniel does a wonderful job producing the show but for’s pity’s sake, how can The Match come back to St James’s Park for a fourth year when the Match itself is so, to be blunt, utter crap?

The third offering from Sky One’s reality television show was, plain and simply, embarrassing as a team of Legends who had, I can exclusively reveal, been out on the town until the early hours of Sunday morning, comfortably beat a team of C-List celebrities managed by a failed former England manager.

The 52,000 saddos who packed out St James’s Park on Sunday were so bored they went to the bar or did a Mexican wave as the celebs - and a I use that term generously - ran around lots and the ex-pros did very little running but made sure they kept the ball the whole time. Great entertainment.

So what happens next? Self-styled bad boy celeb Harvey goes around kicking people, self-styled soccer hard man David Batty does the same, Harvey snaps and starts a fight and then the tragic clown prince Paul Gascoigne enters stage right to amuse everyone with a silly dance. Hilarious!

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I'm F-ing Brilliant Me...

Posted by Luke on October 9, 2006 11:51 AM

Hello, my name is Craig Bellamy and I’m Fing brilliant me, I play for a great club, because I’m Fing brilliant ain’t I! I’m great, the whole world is against me all the time, but I’m Fing great.

I play for Liverpool and I hate Graeme Souness and Newcastle because I was Fing brilliant for them and they sold me because I feigned injury and twice refused to play on the wing because I’m too Fing brilliant to play on the wing so there.

Oh and I’m also the new captain of Wales and we got stuffed 5-1 at home by Slovakia, which wasn’t my fault, it was the others, who are crap, not me, I’m Fing brilliant even though I’ve only scored one goal in ten appearances for Liverpool, which isn’t my fault either, it’s the others who are crap, they don’t pass to me enough, they should realise I’m Fing brilliant me....

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The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

Posted by Luke on October 10, 2006 4:32 PM

You have to take your hats off to Durham don’t you. From minor county to Test ground in less than 15 years, more England players this season than any other county team and now they can boast the services of a Hollywood superstar.

It’s been a while since Will Smith last made a movie - he was a retro cop in the (less than thrilling) sci-fi thriller I-Robot and now we know why.

Apparently, the rapper and star of well-known blockbusters such as Wild Wild West, (a Back To the Future style Western) Men In Black (one and two) and Rom-com Hitch (Not very funny), has become disillusioned with the glitz and glamour of the movie industry and wants to return to his first love cricket.

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Solution Or Part Of The Problem?

Posted by Luke on October 11, 2006 9:00 AM

Words of wisdom from our illustrious England manager Steve McClaren as he prepares to give Scott Parker his first start for England against Croatia.

"Scott has been training for a week with us and he really impressed me seeing him at close hand. Since the last time he was with us, a couple of years ago, he has come on and he epitomises what the English game is all about. He can play, pass, tackle...

Or, given the recent performance against Macedonia and the diabolical World Cup campaign under McClaren's big buddy Sven Goran Eriksson, surely he epitomises everything that appears to be lacking from the national side.

I'm not sure about McClaren, he annoyed me when he was manager of Middlesbrough. Far too smug for his own good and it seems to me he got the England job for two fatally flawed reasons.

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England Product Placement

Posted by Luke on October 12, 2006 3:51 PM

We are all unwitting victim in an advertising executive’s game, a pawn to be moved around by unseen corporative forces, manipulated and shaped until we are programmed to buy their products, invest in their brands and celebrate the wonders of commercialism.

It is what the capitalist world is all about, marketing, advertising, brand identification, credit cards, debt, the purchase of un-necessary goods because some slick high-flyer in London managed to convince you that your life would be better if you did.

It infuriates me that they have this power, that their clever slogans, product placements and subliminal messages brainwash society and make us buy a certain type of toothpaste, sofa, fizzy drink, bleach, chocolate, or whatever else clutters up our supermarket trollies and cupboards.

Mind you, I might be angry with the ad man’s arrogance and manipulation, but I’d still rather wear a pristine pair of classic Adidas trainers than Gola. And you won’t ever catch me in a BHS pair of slacks when I can get my hands on a bad-ass pair of Carhart workpants!

I mean, there’s being manipulated by the advertising men and there's downright stupidity and I’ve got to get my swagger on if you know what I mean. Actually, you probably don’t, but I’ve got standards and advertising or no advertising, I ain’t wearing no Gola.

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Goodbye But Not Good Riddance?

Posted by Luke on October 13, 2006 2:55 PM

Jon Stead has left the building. See you then Jonathan, goodnight and God bless. Thanks for all your help, you will never be forgotten - that’s right, never forgotten for being one of the worst Sunderland strikers ever.

There are those who will have greeted the news yesterday that Stead has left the club for Derby County, a switch which is likely to become a permanent one when the transfer window re-opens in January, with an outburst similar, if not harsher than this.

Those feelings are understandable when you consider this is a player who was signed for almost two million pounds to score the goals to keep Sunderland in the Premiership just a little over a year after he had snubbed the club in favour of a move to Blackburn Rovers because they were a division higher.

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A Scary Man And A Horse Joke

Posted by Luke on October 15, 2006 1:07 PM

There was precious little to laugh about for Sunderland on the pitch at Preston on Saturday, although special mention should go to the flat-cap wearing hack who took great amusement in cracking a joke about one of North End's players.

It wasn't particularly funny, in fact nobody laughed other than, now what is the politically correct way to say this, the older gentleman who told it to everyone who entered the press room.

You see, Preston have a player called Sean St Ledger, yes, that's right, like the famous horse race and our new friend thought this was hilarious. Amusing in a kinda, that's an unusual name kinda way perhaps, but certainly not side-splitting hilarity like this veteran of the sports reporting scene.

Anyway, having pointed it out, he asked, in a loud voice, "Does anyone know the story behind St Ledger's name?"

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Ring The Alarm

Posted by Luke on October 16, 2006 5:15 PM

Sound the alarm, push the panic button, prepare for attack, man overboard, sinking ship, put on your life jacket, every man for himself. Yep, that's right, Newcastle United have hurtled straight into an early-season crisis following the 2-1 defeat to Bolton Wanderers on Sunday.

Since the Magpies beat struggling West Ham United at Upton Park in mid-September they have won one game - against Estonia's finest Levadia Tallinn - lost three and drawn one. They have won once at home in the Premiership all season, against another struggling side, Wigan Athletic, back on August 18.

Only bottom club Charlton Athletic have a goal difference worse than a United team which has taken the lead in three successive league games at home and failed to take all three points.

While they may have successfully qualified for the Uefa Cup through the Intertoto Cup, the brutal and harsh reality is that they are going to be competing in European competition with a small squad which finds itself just two points off the relegation zone with seven points from eight games.

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Where There's Blame There's A Claim

Posted by Luke on October 17, 2006 5:11 PM

I’m a big admirer of Jose Mourinho. I like his arrogance, I like the way he winds the media and rival managers up and I like the fact he has brought a bit of style - since copied by several other managers including Glenn Roeder - to the Premiership with that black trench coat and scarf ensemble of his.

But I just wish he and Chelsea would stop going on about the terrible injury to goalkeeper Petr Cech.

It was an awful incident and the news the Cech international will not play again this season because he has had two metal plates inserted into his skull following the collision with Stephen Hunt during the win at Reading is shocking.

But Hunt did not mean to do it, he was going for the ball, it was an accident and the sort of thing that can happen in any sort of contact sport.

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Pretty In Pink

Posted by Luke on October 17, 2006 5:17 PM

I don't like to boast, but once again I will. Thanks to my powerful argument regarding the pros of men wearing pink the Newcastle Falcons have sold out of their fetching new away kit.

The club have informed me that they will be getting a new batch of the shirts in sometime later this week so please be patient all you big pink wearing girls out there.

Seriously, though, the shirt was made in conjunction with Cancer Research UK and sales of the top, superbly sported by Jamie Noon as he dived over the try line against Lllanelli Scarlets last week, has already rasied more than £6,000 for the cause.

A price worth paying for fashion don't you think?

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We're Not Very Good And Nobody Cares

Posted by Luke on October 18, 2006 5:54 PM

England aren’t very good at one day cricket. We make all the right noises about wanting to be good at it and we play plenty of it, but we just can’t seem to become any good at it. However, the real question is, does anybody actually care?

The last thing you can call me - and trust me I’ve been called plenty of things in my time - is a traditionalist, but for once I agree with the Luddites, the conservatives, the moth-ball brigade, whatever you want to call them.

One day cricket just isn’t proper cricket is it? No, proper cricket is a game where you can play for five days, have 45 hours of supposedly fierce competition and still not get a winner or a loser.

It’s a game where newspapers can be read without much disturbance, it’s a game where the picnic and refreshment tents are just as important as who is playing and it’s the only sport in the world - with the obvious exception of ski-ing , where unsuitable weather means everyone gives up and does something else instead.

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The Best Stadium In The Universe

Posted by Luke on October 19, 2006 3:53 PM

My word, wonders will never cease, after seven years of computer generated artist impressions, arguments, delays, pleading with bank managers, promises and broken promises - oh and almost £800m, the "new" Wembley Stadium is almost finished.

Well blow me down with a feather, let's get the ticker tape out and declare a national holiday to celebrate the fact a highly-expensive, long overdue, English construction project is almost finished. Whoop de doo!

The thing I can't understand is, why did we give the contract to an Australian firm called Multiplex? Aussies are only good for bar work. If you want something built you look for Polish builders, they're quick, efficient and they would surely have given the FA a better price!

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Steve Harper And The Curse

Posted by Luke on October 20, 2006 12:49 PM

You’ve got to feel sorry for Steve Harper haven’t you? I mean, fair enough, he is a well-paid professional footballer who has spent a lot of his time sitting around on benches - of the substitute variety not park benches, with a bottle of cider in his hand - but there are not many nicer guys in the game than Steve.

You could criticise him for a lack of ambition I suppose. After all, this is a goalkeeper who has the ability to be a first-choice at a Premiership club and who might have played for England if he was.

But. there were people who never understood why Matt Le Tissier refused to leave Southampton in the nineties, but it wasn’t really a decision they had to make, or he wanted them to understand. Some people like staying where they are, they like the life they lead and that’s it, end of story, stop going on about it.

So when Shay Given finally suffered a serious injury - sorry that sounds awful doesn’t it, but see it from Steve’s point of view - everyone was delighted to see Harps being rewarded for his loyalty with an extended run in the side.

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Cheerio Michael

Posted by Luke on October 20, 2006 4:56 PM

There will be no pull-outs in the paper, there will be no fireworks or Red Arrow displays and there certainly won’t be any live television coverage when the Newcastle Vipers run - surely that should be skate - out against the Belfast Giants on Sunday.

Unlike a certain Newcastle United number nine -what’s his name, it’s on the tip of my tongue, Arthur, Angus, oh yes, Alan Shearer - Michael Tasker’s retirement will not make front page news and most of you will probably not even know who he is.

But, like Shearer, Tasker is a sportsman the North-East can feel proud of, an athlete who reached the pinnacle of his game, a key figure for both club and country.

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Shepherd Out And A Brick Through The Window

Posted by Luke on October 23, 2006 11:43 AM

As Newcastle United’s illusions of grandeur were shattered by Yakubu’s 85th minute header and the travelling supporters smashed the watching Freddie Shepherd’s reputation with chants of “Shepherd Out” on Sunday afternoon some chav scum was putting a brick through the rear window of my car!

I have decided it was a Middlesbrough supporter, or some loser from the town anyway, but I suppose it could have been an angry Newcastle fan after the final whistle. When you see your team lose a local derby they should have at least taken a draw from, it can play havoc with your anger management.

But it wasn’t what I needed after watching a Newcastle defeat which has cranked up the pressure on manager Glenn Roeder, as well as his chairman and it wasn’t something I needed to be sorting out on my last night of freedom before I go into hospital for a rather painful operation. More of that, though, later.

Roeder might have felt some sense of relief when the fans vented their spleen at his boss during the final five minutes of the Tees-Tyne derby, but Newcastle’s manager also knows that when the chairman starts to feel the heat, he sweats and looks to find a sacrificial lamb - the manager.

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Hurrah I'm Not Dead

Posted by Luke on October 27, 2006 12:53 PM

Hello there. Just thought, for those of you who have been plagued by sleepless nights and panic attacks since Newcastle's defeat at Boro, I should let you know that I am still alive.

Naturally, the on-going concerns about Newcastle United may have occupied your mind rather more than my health, but the operation went well and I'm at home recuperating.

Thankfully, the wonders of modern technology mean I can still write my blog from my sick bed, inbetween games of Football Manager and PGA Tour Golf, interspersed with the drivel that is daytime television!

So what have I missed?

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