What do you call a Sunderland fan in Europe? A mirage. What do you call a Middlesbrough fan in Europe? A flashback. After their humbling experience at Old Trafford on Sunday, Newcastle fans were in need of cheering up this week and the prospect of gloating about their European status will have been enough to make even the grumpiest Geordie afford themselves a little smirk.
I still remember those two intoxicated Newcastle fans breathing their beer fumes over me as they cracked that joke, not once, but twice for added effect, following United’s passage into the Uefa Cup against Ventspils. But they were right, even if the amount they had drunk was very wrong and undoubtedly bad for their health.
However, if Newcastle fans will be in need of their passports again - don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Boro and Sunderland fans do go on holiday, but the only continental football they will be watching will be from the comfort of their own living rooms - their smug sense of satisfaction will have been replaced by a queasy sense of uneasiness just before lunch on Tuesday.
It has been tempting to believe that Newcastle’s participation in the knockout phase of the Uefa Cup was all but assured given the fact that some of the teams in the competition would probably struggle in the Championship and the competition’s format means that a top three finish out of a five-team group is enough to ensure the European adventure survives until the New Year at least.
Unfortunately, there are also teams who, on paper, look perfectly capable of giving the Magpies problems and, unfortunately, for Glenn Roeder, his side have been paired with four of them.
Here is my disjointed guide to Newcastle’s (unwanted) European opponents.
Celta Viga - Spanish outfit, pretty decent track record in Europe, but struggling this season. Will have to come to St James’s Park and, at the moment, look like the game Roeder’s men must make sure they win if they want to progress.
Useless fact: The nasty devil thingie, the so called scourge of Carpathia, in Ghostbusters II is called Vigo, like the Spanish city. Will they be the scourge of Roeder I wonder!?
Eintracht Frankfurt - Frankfurt is the German equivalent of Manhattan with lots of banks and shiny buildings. The football team has a decent pedigree, were German cup finalists last season, but not doing well domestically and Newcastle have a good record against German sides.
Useless fact: Has more coffee shops than any other German city. England played there in the World Cup and beat Paraguay 1-0 in their opening group game. But they were rubbish and we should have known then that we weren’t going to win the World Cup.
Fenerbahce - Turkish giants who, like Newcastle, don’t like Graeme Souness very much. When the big-spending Scot was manager of their arch-rivals Galatasaray he almost caused a riot by planting his team’s flag in the middle of the pitch after a cup final victory. Have off-loaded Nicolas Anelka to Bolton Wanderers, so dressing room is a happier place and have started domestic season well. On the plus side, they have to come to Newcastle and Turkish sides are generally not the best travellers.
Useless fact: Emre will be delighted at the draw as “the David Beckham of Turkey” (copyright Graeme Souness) will be the centre of attention for a change rather than being - unfairly in my opinion - overshadowed by Scott Parker.
Palermo - perfect participants in the so called group of death simply because they are based in Sicily, spiritual home of the Mafia and their fans were involved in riots with West Ham fans before the dumped the Cockneys out of the competition in the last round. It will also makes for plenty of easy quips about paying tribute, sleeping with the fishes, horses head - (no Sunderland’s Dean Whitehead has not moved there) and countless quotes from Gangster movies.
Useless Fact: In the ninth century, Sicily was occupied by Arab forces and the native Sicilians took refuge in the surrounding hills, forming a secret society to unite the natives against the Arab and Norman invaders. This secret society was called Mafia after the Arabic word for refuge. And then they started protection rackets, talking in funny accents and eating pizza in the USA.
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