Aim For The Stumps Steve

The best we can hope for is a draw and, let’s face it, with Shane Warne bowling at us, that looks about as likely as an 18th century soldier who carried the British flag during the first wave of an infantry charge surviving to tell the tale. They weren’t called the forlorn hope for nothing you know. History lesson over!

I’ve got to be honest, I didn’t stay up to watch the Ashes. I’d planned to, but a 6:30am start to get to Roy Keane pre-Wolves, pre-Mick McCarthy handshake press conference put an end to that idea. I did switch on the radio, but I fell asleep before Harmison’s farcical opening to England’s bid to retain the Ashes and, given the way things have gone, I’m pleased I did.

As one commentator put it yesterday, if Steve Harmison is the spearhead of England’s bowling attack then he has just impaled himself. Or, if you like puns, Grevious Bodily Harmison has looked more likely to cause damage to his own fielders than he is to Australian batsman.

But, then, slowly but surely, I hauled myself out of my depression. So we’ve had the worse of the first day of the opening Test match. It’s ok there are another 24 to go. Plenty of time to turn things

We’re probably going to lose the first Test, but that’s alright, we lost the First Test at Lords last summer as well and still managed to turn it around.

So Harmy’s radar is on the blink and Ashley Giles is playing instead of Monty Panesar, but Harmison took ten wickets in the First Test last summer and then didn’t bowl as well again all series.

The thing with Harmison is you have to take the good with the bad and, on this occasion, he has simply decided to get all the bad over and done with on one day.

Harmison will be singled out for criticism because he is supposed to be the main man, but James Anderson and Matthew Hoggard’s figures were just as bad. There was about as much swinging going on in Brisbane as there is at your average Church Fete.

Admittedly, it doesn’t look good, but it’s all a cunning ploy to lure the Aussies into a trap. We’ll lose at Brisbane, get them to be complacent and then throw a couple of cricket balls on to the pitch when they’re practicing before the Second Test and hope Warne and Glenn McGrath tread on them and break their ankles!

Positive thinking, that’s all you need. Honest!