Christmas is over, the last of the Turkey sandwiches, chocolates and beers are slowly being consumed and football managers up and down the country are starting to turn their attention to the opening of the transfer market in a period that is generally known as the “January transfer window.�
The problem with the transfer window- it’s not actually a window - is, just like the post-Christmas sales, managers enter the market armed with cash and desperate to spend it. It’s a dangerous and potentially costly state of mind, as the ridiculous pair of baggy corduroy trousers I bought and never wore a couple of years back will testify.
Actually, come to think about it, there has also been the bright orange jumper (now used to mop up dirt on the kitchen floor), the yellow trainers (I’ve no idea where they’ve gone), the Spice Girls CD (a timeless classic!) and the blender to make smoothies (used twice).
You see, that’s the danger. You’re lured in by the sales, get over-excited and come home with a “bargain� buy that seemed like a good idea at the time, but which will soon be gathering dust at the back of the wardrobe before making a switch to the charity shop.
In football, it’s a bit like buying a new centre forward on the basis of a couple of videos and then finding out that he is 5ft 2inchs (eg. Peter Reid’s wonderful signing for Sunderland Milton Nunes) weighs 18 stone (eg. Mark Viduka) with a first touch that has all the subtlety of a policeman’s sledgehammer on your front door.
They arrive, they are rubbish and all you can you hope for is that another club shows you some charity and takes them off your hands.
Both Sunderland and Newcastle will be in the market for new players next month, but to help them out, here is my list of ideal targets.
Newcastle
A left back - dur everyone can see that Celestine Babayaro is an injury-prone waster and Peter Ramage - a centre back - is the only viable alternative. Go for Chelsea’s Wayne Bridge and if they won’t let him go, panic and get any clown in. After all, that’s what you usually do!
A centre back - An experienced, talkative centre half is desperately needed to play alongside Titus Bramble or Steven Taylor. A bit like Sol Campbell (oops, could have had him in the summer) or Jonathan Woodgate (ah yes, you could have had him in the summer as well). Personally, I’d go for Matthew Upson, but then my colleague Paul Gilder has just shouted out that he’s s*** so opinion is divided! How about Manchester United’s Wes Brown?
A centre forward - don’t let the fact Obafemi Martins has started to find the net regularly and Antoine Sibierski (a midfielder) has defied logic and form by scoring six goals this season fool you, Newcastle are desperately light in this area. Michael Owen is going to be missing for at least another three months and Shola Ameobi will not play until August at the earliest.
A tall striker is needed, hence the interest in Peter Crouch, although I suspect he will not be allowed to leave until the summer. If Glenn Roeder wants him, he should wait, rather than look elsewhere. But will he? For all of the manager’s talk of patience, Newcastle need one now.
Ideally, the Magpies should be looking to sign two, but they’ll probably only get one who, ideally, can play alongside Martins or Owen. After hours, okay minutes, of pondering, I have absolutely no idea who they can get. My prediction, however, is that it will be a foreigner with no experience of playing in the Premiership who could - copyright of Arsene Wenger, via Glenn Roeder - need “six to 12 months to settle.� Alternatively, Ronaldinho’s not bad!
Sunderland
Roy Keane has already got things going with the arrival of Johnny Evans and Phil Bardsley on loan from Manchester United and the permanent signing of the promising Lewin Nyatanga should sort out the defence, but there are still two key areas that need improving.
A right winger - with Liam “I think I’m David Beckham� Lawrence out the door, via the dressing room wall and a sex video, Sunderland lack a specialist right winger. When they buy one, it would also help if they were, unlike Lawrence, quick. The Black Cats lack pace and Luton Town’s Trinidad and Tobago winger Carlos Edwards would be perfect. If you can’t get him, sign an Irishman, because that’s what you normally do!
A centre forward - David Connolly and Stephen Elliott are fine as a diminutive poacher, but neither Daryl Murphy or Chris Brown - also of bad sex video fame - are good enough as the forward who offers an alternative aerial threat. Some managers argue you don’t need one, but I think Keane feels he does, at least to get them out of the Championship.
I’d go for Everton’s James Beattie or..... ah sod it, that’s what you get paid so much to do!
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