It’s the Great North Run this weekend and a time for the unfit to feel shamed, chastised and humbled by those who cheerfully set off in shorts and vests to raise money for charity by running 13 miles on a Sunday morning.
Surely Sunday mornings were meant for something less exhausting than that, but still, every year, thousands of them turn up to put themselves through it all. And aren’t they so smug about it as well?
This time last year, I intended for one of those brave souls to be me, but, unfortunately, as with last year and the year before that and the year before that - and probably the year after this - the project never got beyond the vague idea stage.
I have, however, as promised 12 months ago, joined a gym and I have got a little fitter. I can run on a running machine for 20 minutes without dying and I can row 2,000m in eight and a half minutes and I can lift some (reasonably) heavy weights, although I’m quickly shamed by the “steroid boys� who look like they could bench press me with one hand the muscle-ridden freaks!
But there is no way I could run for 13 miles - my furthest is five kilometres and I felt sick - so, seriously, for all those who are taking part this weekend, good luck and well done. I’ll be at the finishing line as I’m covering the event for the first time this year so I’ll see some of you huffing and puffing your way over the line!
Of course, the real action will be at the front of the field, away from the animal costumes, men wearing skirts and England coach Steve McClaren (who will undoubtedly be looking even more red-faced than usual) and it’ll be great to see Paula Radcliffe again after her break to give birth to her first child, Isla, and a few injury problems.
It had always puzzled me what you did if you needed a wee during a marathon in the same way I wonder about how you do a number two in Space. Thankfully, Paula cleared up the matter when she needed to “spend a penny� during the London Marathon when she just, well, crouched on the side of the road and had a wee. Still not sure what you do in Space mind you, but anyway.
It’s a good job there were no policemen around because a friend of mine was given a warning and a £50 fine for relieving himself in an alley way recently. Paula did it in broad daylight, in front of thousands of people. That’s what I call anti-social behaviour. All she needed was an alcopop in her hand. Talk about taking the.... we’ll leave it there I think.
It’s typical of British sport that we should talk more about Radcliffe’s toilet habits and her tears when she was forced to give up midway through the marathon at the Olympics in Athens than we do about her magnificent achievements as an athlete.
In an age when the Africans dominate middle and long-distance running, Radcliffe has not only challenged them, she has beaten them and has been the dominant force in marathon running for almost half a decade. Some achievement don’t you think?
I’m sure there are doubts about whether she will ever be able to recapture that form after her pregnancy, but on Sunday we will start to find out as she begins her preparations for the Olympics in Beijing next year.. Good luck Paula, just make sure you go before the race eh!
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