Steve McClaren Has Still Got Bad Hair
Useless England team and unpopular coach are lined up for the slaughter with semi-automatic weapons on Saturday morning. By Saturday evening and a 3-0 victory over Israel later England are now not only going to qualify for Euro 2008, we’re going to win the whole thing God damn it!
This, of course, is a perfectly normal reaction to an England performance and result. Lose and the players are a disgrace, they aren’t interested, the big name stars are over-rated, the manager is a red-faced clown with bad hair and a dour personality and there are too many foreigners in the Premier League.
Win and the players are superstars, among the best in the world, a golden generation ready to destroy all who dare to stand in front of them with a manager whose tactical genius and superior intellect not only makes him a natural leader of men, but also means he can pull off masterstrokes like recalling Emile Heskey. He’s still got bad hair and an irritating manner mind you, but hey, pressure? What pressure!
Sadly, you suspect a 3-0 win over Israel - a country more renowned for a tense relationship with its Arab neighbours - will only be a respite. Lose against Russia on Wednesday night and it will all start again and will probably get a whole lot worse.
A country of England’s size and resources should always beat a team like Israel at home, the problem is, things had sunk so low, they weren’t even managing to do that anymore. As a result, a 3-0 win is celebrated rather than merely accepted, but at least the European Championship dream lives on for the time being.
Ultimately, if England were to fail to qualify for next summer’s finals it would not only leave a massive gap in the summer calendar, it would also make the rest of the domestic season fairly depressing as well. I know we had the club versus country debate last week, but surely all of you would miss watching the Finals next summer?
Come on, match days are like an unofficial Bank Holiday and anything that gets you out of work and into the pub in the middle of the afternoon has got to be a good thing! Even if you don’t like football - bit silly reading this then aren’t you - you can take advantage of the fact the rest of the nation does and nip to the supermarket to do your weekly shop. Just look at those bargains in the reduced to clear section!? Hmm, humus with olive and chive dip? Aniseed flavoured crisps? Mushroom and kidney pie?
Russia, of course, will present a far stiffer test for England’s “revitalised� squad as well as Emile Heskey’s first touch. While Russia is a country best known for the Cold War, the consumption of vodka and Roman Abramovich, they also have a few decent club teams and quality players to fill them. Despite failing to qualify for the World Cup in 2006, they are certainly not international cannon fodder.
Nevertheless, for once I’m fairly positive ahead of Wednesday night. I think the England players have been stung by the criticism they have received and the possibility they will not qualify for a major championship for the first time since 1994 and have upped their game. I’m not sure Steve McClaren is a top quality international manager - have I mentioned his hair yet?! - but he will benefit from our best players being fit, focused and determined to prove people wrong.
One of these is Michael Owen. I’ve likened him to a Skoda and I’ve questioned his desire to stay at Newcastle United in the past, but McClaren and, perhaps more pertinently, Sam Allardyce are lucky to have him.
After two years of injury problems, precious few appearances and almost constant transfer speculation, Owen finally looks as though he is the £17m striker the Magpies paid for.
It is easy to point to what a player can’t do and in Owen you are not going to get the most selfless team player, you are not going to get someone who comes up with many assists and you are not going to get someone who holds the ball up, but you are going to get a natural born goalscorer with a big game pedigree.
Newcastle and England must hope the injury curse that has ruined his time on Tyneside has finally been lifted because if it has the good times might be about to roll!
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Despite my disdain for the National side, you're correct Luke, it is great fun sitting in the pub on a summery afternoon, Shorts and T-Shirt (And in most cases, White legs) on show, while downing Fosters, Carling or Guinness, (What’s your poison?) and watching the International sides slug it out.
England to win against Russia, Owen will score, then onto Derby away for us Newcastle folk on Monday night, lets keep the run going.
But please, the second you see Humus with Olive and Chive Dip on special offer please start a blog on it! Forget the games!
Paul.
Note From Luke
What is my poison? Well, for a hot summer's day it is ice cold lager. For a winter warmer it's a pint of bitter (I'm quite partial to a pint of London's Pride, Greene King's or John Smith) but if I'm on one then Vodka and something will do me nicely. Tequilla Vodka and Red Bull is a personal fav.
As for the dip, I've never seen it in a supermarket let alone on special offer!
I never could make up my mind if McClaren was the luckiest or unluckiest manager in the world.
He got the England job after his first real managerial role on the back of being in charge of the 15 or 16th best team in the premiership and winning the domestic trophy that the big four usually play their reserves in.
That said I think much of why he got the job was because no-one else wanted it. They all knew that a job, in which Sven before him posted the best post-war win ratio of any England manager and was then treat like dirt, isn't every manager's idea of fun.
I just hope that after his terrible start that the players make up for his shortfalls by thinking on their feet and guiding us through to the finals.
If we can't beat Russia at home however, we wouldn't be in the tournament past the first round anyway, if we did qualify.
Personally I'd have kept Sven. The grass just isn't greener now is it Luke?
Note From Luke
Indeed it isn't Mark. I was pretty critical of Sven at last summer's World Cup and it probably was time for a change, but he wasn't a bad manager by any means. I think he just froze in terms of rejuvenating the side and the same old players were always picked regardless of form!
Hasn't Emile Heskey got all the qualities which you say Michael Owen hasn't? As you know I will stick up for him always - it's a relief to have a player who isn't constantly thinking of his own glory.
Note From Luke
I'm not saying Emile Heskey hasn't got some use, he showed that against Israel, I'm just saying he might struggle a little bit more against a side of Russia's quality. He could also do with scoring a few goals every now and again! All very well being a link up player, but teams will soon work out how to combate it, just as they did with Peter Crouch.
Blooming heck, you even get grief of your own parents these days!
I never have, and still don't rate Heskey, but he played well on Saturday. The Israel back line didn't know how to cope with him. He looks less clumsy than Crouch too.
But the manager needs some fashion tips. Not only is he a smug, arrogant ****, he, as you so rightly point out, has the worst hair in football.... Ever!!
If I wasn't into the leaving work early and watching football with chums on a big screen only for it to end in penalty shoot-out heartbreak, I would say I hoped England lose tonight, just so we can sack Malcolm McClaren and get a proper manager in, like Guus Hiddink!!
However, being a 100% Englishman born and bred (?) I predict a 2-1 England victory with 1st goal to Steven Gerrard....
Can you loan me £5 so I can put a bet on Luke?
Note From Luke
I never have any money, you should know that by now! Good point about Hiddink. McClaren is only in the job because the Football Association mucked up. Phil Scolari would have taken the job if the FA hadn't insisted he accept it before leading Portugal in the World Cup and Hiddink was upset because the FA demanded - perhaps rightly - that he had an interview for the job before they would consider him.