Useless England team and unpopular coach are lined up for the slaughter with semi-automatic weapons on Saturday morning. By Saturday evening and a 3-0 victory over Israel later England are now not only going to qualify for Euro 2008, we’re going to win the whole thing God damn it!
This, of course, is a perfectly normal reaction to an England performance and result. Lose and the players are a disgrace, they aren’t interested, the big name stars are over-rated, the manager is a red-faced clown with bad hair and a dour personality and there are too many foreigners in the Premier League.
Win and the players are superstars, among the best in the world, a golden generation ready to destroy all who dare to stand in front of them with a manager whose tactical genius and superior intellect not only makes him a natural leader of men, but also means he can pull off masterstrokes like recalling Emile Heskey. He’s still got bad hair and an irritating manner mind you, but hey, pressure? What pressure!
Sadly, you suspect a 3-0 win over Israel - a country more renowned for a tense relationship with its Arab neighbours - will only be a respite. Lose against Russia on Wednesday night and it will all start again and will probably get a whole lot worse.
A country of England’s size and resources should always beat a team like Israel at home, the problem is, things had sunk so low, they weren’t even managing to do that anymore. As a result, a 3-0 win is celebrated rather than merely accepted, but at least the European Championship dream lives on for the time being.
Ultimately, if England were to fail to qualify for next summer’s finals it would not only leave a massive gap in the summer calendar, it would also make the rest of the domestic season fairly depressing as well. I know we had the club versus country debate last week, but surely all of you would miss watching the Finals next summer?
Come on, match days are like an unofficial Bank Holiday and anything that gets you out of work and into the pub in the middle of the afternoon has got to be a good thing! Even if you don’t like football - bit silly reading this then aren’t you - you can take advantage of the fact the rest of the nation does and nip to the supermarket to do your weekly shop. Just look at those bargains in the reduced to clear section!? Hmm, humus with olive and chive dip? Aniseed flavoured crisps? Mushroom and kidney pie?
Russia, of course, will present a far stiffer test for England’s “revitalised� squad as well as Emile Heskey’s first touch. While Russia is a country best known for the Cold War, the consumption of vodka and Roman Abramovich, they also have a few decent club teams and quality players to fill them. Despite failing to qualify for the World Cup in 2006, they are certainly not international cannon fodder.
Nevertheless, for once I’m fairly positive ahead of Wednesday night. I think the England players have been stung by the criticism they have received and the possibility they will not qualify for a major championship for the first time since 1994 and have upped their game. I’m not sure Steve McClaren is a top quality international manager - have I mentioned his hair yet?! - but he will benefit from our best players being fit, focused and determined to prove people wrong.
One of these is Michael Owen. I’ve likened him to a Skoda and I’ve questioned his desire to stay at Newcastle United in the past, but McClaren and, perhaps more pertinently, Sam Allardyce are lucky to have him.
After two years of injury problems, precious few appearances and almost constant transfer speculation, Owen finally looks as though he is the £17m striker the Magpies paid for.
It is easy to point to what a player can’t do and in Owen you are not going to get the most selfless team player, you are not going to get someone who comes up with many assists and you are not going to get someone who holds the ball up, but you are going to get a natural born goalscorer with a big game pedigree.
Newcastle and England must hope the injury curse that has ruined his time on Tyneside has finally been lifted because if it has the good times might be about to roll!
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