Do you ever get those sinking feelings, when your guts feel like they have been turned upside down and shaken around like a cat in a tumble dryer? Well I had one the moment Steven Gerrard somehow managed to steer his shot wide from just six yards against Russia.
There was just something about the miss, the fact it was so easy, the fact he was unmarked and, nine times out of ten would have smashed it past the stranded goalkeeper without any fuss at all, that made me think, “this is all about to go horribly wrong.�
A nice dive, a poor-sighted referee and a fumbling idiot of a goalkeeper later and things had, indeed, all gone a little pear-shaped for Steve McClaren and his players.
However, given that I am prone to booting furniture and using the sort of language that would bring a tear to my mother’s eye in these sorts of situations, I thought I took the defeat rather well. Just a little sigh, a few expletives about how technically inept English footballers are and how naive the team’s tactics had been in the second half and then it was off to the local takeaway to order a curry.
Why was I so calm? Well it might have been because I vowed to simmer down after I managed to give myself a migraine, almost got thrown out of the ground and lost my programme, which I’d thrown in the direction of the referee after he capped a dreadfully biased afternoon at Elland Road by failing to spot that Orient had scored a late winner against Leeds last weekend. You can’t get so emotionally involved in the press box you see!
Actually, maybe I shouldn’t own up to this, because the matchday programme probably constitutes a missile which, as thrown in the direction of the pitch, might mean I was trying to harm someone, which might mean I get a ban, which might make my job a little difficult don’t you think! Therefore, it was the guy behind me who threw it, officer!
No, although that memory is still all too fresh, I didn’t get wound up because it’s the same old failings coming around again and again with our national side and I’m tired of going on about them.
England do not have the common sense (and perhaps not the ability) to keep hold of the ball to deprive teams of attacking momentum, they always sit too deep and invite teams on to them when they have a 1-0 lead and they persist with playing a goalkeeper who is blatantly out of form and who has looked like an accident waiting to happen all season.
There are only so many times even I can rant and rave about them. We’re just not as good as we think we are and it’s about time we realised it. Perhaps failing to qualify for a major tournament for the first time since 1994 will be the slap in the face our arrogance needs.
There are some who will argue England were unlucky, that it wasn’t a penalty (and it wasn’t) and that we looked comfortable with 20 minutes remaining, but we invited pressure and paid the price for it.
There is a chance we will still qualify if Israel or Andorra take points off Russia and we beat Croatia, but I can’t see it happening can you?
So what will we all do next summer instead? No unofficial Bank Holidays every time an England game is on, no Winston Churchill style speeches to “rally the troops� and no plastic flags attached to the roofs of cars.
Of course, there will be those really annoying people who say that they prefer watching major football events when England aren’t in them because they’re purists, who admire the way continental teams play the game and revel in the individual brilliance of technically superior foreigners, but they’re just like people who say they like watching films in black and white because it’s more atmospheric!
Nope, if England aren’t there, there will be a nasty big gap in the summer schedule to fill. Maybe I’ll just read a good book instead, or give Glastonbury one last hurrah before hanging up my tent and Wellies for good! Either that or start wearing a kilt and pretending I’m Scottish!
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