Kevin Keegan should probably hang up a large Do Not Disturb sign outside the club’s training ground, draw the curtains and lock all the doors with the players holed up inside after what happened at Aston Villa.
Either that, or he could do the above after throwing Joey Barton, Alan Smith and most of the team’s defenders out in the cold like a cat that has just relieved itself on the carpet in the living room.
When disciplining a cat for crapping on the carpet it is normally necessary to rub their noses in the offending brown stain as well to remind them not to do it again - I’m not sure how this would work with professional footballers but I’m sure we can improvise!
There are times when being hopelessly outclassed has its benefits. A strange statement, perhaps, but as Newcastle United pick up the pieces from their latest mauling, at least they have a couple of weeks to draw breath after their early exit from the FA Cup.
It will be a time to unite, I guess, discuss what has gone wrong, remind the players of their responsibilities and so on. Then emerge to mumble something about staying positive and then, well say the same thing after a valiant effort, but another defeat, against Manchester United.
As it happens, I don’t think Newcastle will get relegated, mainly because there is so much dross below them and Derby are so far adrift at the bottom, but I still think the Magpies could be given an almighty scare along the way.
By the time Keegan and his staff have finished with them this week I suspect the players will believe they are in a relegation battle and I think that sense of urgency is needed. I think some players have been guilty of believing, psychologically at least, the season is over and that the points they need to be safe would just come along eventually. After that, it would just be a case of waiting to find out whether they were part of Keegan’s plans for next season.
It is a dangerous mindset to get into and I think it explains why the team looks so fragile away from home. Motivation can be a funny thing. I’m not saying that Newcastle haven’t tried, I’m just saying that, subconsciously, they’re not as motivated as other sides because they don’t have much to play for. I hope that changes in the next couple of weeks.
On a slightly different subject, was anyone as baffled by me by Keegan’s comments about Smith? Keegan reckoned Smith was the best player on the pitch in the first half at Villa. No, honestly, he did. Personally I thought he was somewhere between below average and poor. As for second half, useless springs to mind.
Regular readers will know I have never really rated Smith. A midfielder who can’t tackle and a striker who can’t score goals. Having a good attitude and determination can only get you so far, otherwise I’d be a Premier League footballer as well! Possibly!
Strikers will always be judged on how many goals they score and he doesn’t look like scoring - ever. He doesn’t create anything either, he doesn’t play a killer pass and he doesn’t win the ball in the air. Well worth the £6m then Sam!
Whatever his effort levels are, Keegan must take him out of the side and bring Mark Viduka, Obafemi Martins or even Shola Ameobi in. Smith needs a rest - an extended one otherwise known as a transfer if you ask me - but he should at least be given a chance to reassess his game on the bench.
As for Barton I, like most people, thought he was going to be a good signing for the club, as long as he stayed out of trouble, which he hasn’t. But has he had a good game in a Newcastle shirt? What does he do? Can he pass the ball more than five meters?
Perhaps the court case thing is having more of an effect on him than he is letting on, but perhaps it just shows the danger of Match of the Day, Sky Sports hype and highlights packages. Looked a decent player in a crap Man City team, now looks a crap player in a struggling Newcastle team...
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