Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I think I might have discovered the reason for our plight this season - there is a Jonah among us.
Look, I’ve been thinking - dangerous I know, particularly on an empty stomach - and it is the only explanation I can give for the fact both North-East clubs are in a relegation battle and have, as is normal for those gasping for air at the bottom of the table, been plagued by bad luck for much of the season.
And, to make matters worse, I’m starting to get the nasty feeling that the Jonah could well be me and the bad news for Newcastle fans is that I’ll be at Birmingham City on Monday night....
A more logical explanation would be that both Newcastle and Sunderland are both just rubbish and that bad luck and the curse of misfortune has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they are staring at the relegation abyss!
But, it occurred to me the other day while lying on my sofa watching Master and Commander on DVD ( a film with a Jonah figure) that perhaps the fact I’ve seen so many dreadful games this season is not their fault after all, it is mine.
Considering I cover both Newcastle and Sunderland, is it just a coincidence that I have not seen either team win since December 15?
United fans will instantly recognise that date as the 1-0 win at Fulham which, although a win and three valuable away points was about as enjoyable as a ride on a water slide covered in razor blades.
Of course, Newcastle have not had much to celebrate since, but even when they beat Stoke in the FA Cup I wasn’t there to watch it as I was stuck in the office frantically writing about Kevin Keegan’s return to St James’s Park.
The plot thickens. And then there is Sunderland. Now Roy Keane’s side enjoyed a pretty successful January, picking up four successive home wins in the league to briefly pull clear of the bottom three. And guess what? I didn’t cover a single Sunderland game in that time.
What happens when I start covering their game again? A potentially disastrous 0-0 draw at Derby and then an utterly uninspiring home defeat by Everton! Results which mean the Black Cats have been dragged right back into the brown stuff.
But it’s not just that, when I look back over the course of the entire season, I cannot remember one where I have seen so many awful matches, so many sub-standard performances and so few games won.
Going back through the fixtures, I have covered 30 Newcastle and Sunderland games this season and I have seen only five victories. Five, that doesn’t even work out at one a month!
Of the rest, 11 have been draws and 14 have been defeats - that’s almost 50%. How crap is that? (These do not include reserve games, though where I have a 100% win record of two from two)
If you include Leyton Orient games, I’ve seen 32 first team games this season and neither of those were wins. One was a freak 5-0 home defeat by Swansea and the other was a 1-1 draw at Leeds United which we should have won, but the referee failed to award a goal even though the ball had crossed the line by at least a metre.....
I’m starting to get worried, maybe I’ve upset someone, maybe I refused to buy a bit of heather from a gypsy and she put a curse on me in Eldon Square. Maybe I should go and see someone, a witch doctor, a psychic, Uri Geller, Dr Hilary Jones off the telly....
Sadly, I’m a bit busy this weekend so I’ll not have time to see anyone until after my little jaunt to St Andrew’s on Monday night. Come on guys and girls, why the frown? I’m not really cursed, who on earth believes in that sort of mumbo jumbo?
Sorry, must dash, I think there is a lynch mob at the door....
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