I initially described Newcastle's search for form under Kevin Keegan in Monday’s match report as like a drunk fumbling with his door keys, but what I really wanted to say was that it was like former Magpies midfielder Matty Pattison searching for his car keys in his underpants..
Either that, or Heather Mills stumbling around in a dark bank vault on one leg desperately looking for Paul McCartney’s missing £800m and the Tooth Fairy. Well, come on, she lives in a fantasy world doesn’t she?
You see, that’s the beauty of a blog, you can write pretty much what you want and I couldn’t resist a little reference to Pattison’s antics.
For those who have not heard, the now Norwich midfielder he woke up after a heavy night on the drink on a Sunday morning, thought he was late for training, stumbled into his car and was later arrested at Norwich City’s training ground wearing just his pants.
How funny is that? Well, not funny in the sense that he was drink driving and clearly has a problem with alcohol, but really, what a clown? However, having seen him waddle around the pitch during his brief appearances for Newcastle last season, the only thing I’d ask the police is, are you sure he was drunk?
But enough of drunk and slightly overweight South African footballers who were never good enough to play in the Premier League but somehow managed to get a game anyway and on to Newcastle’s win over Fulham.
Well, I bet everyone is feeling a lot better after the weekend, presuming, that is, if you didn’t go to Whitley Bay on Easter Monday to drink copious amount of alcopops on top of a belly full of Easter Eggs.
I must admit, I was pretty happy after the Fulham game. Newcastle thoroughly deserved the victory and, while far from a perfect performance, there was something refreshing about the way they played, despite the obvious pressure they were under.
Obviously, taking the lead after just seven minutes helps so well done Mark Viduka, but there were lots of reasons to be happy and, as you know, I’m not exactly one of life’s great optimists.
Firstly, regular readers will know he has been a target for my spite frequently this season, but Joey Barton probably had his best game for the club against the Cottagers?
He looked lively, energetic, won lots of tackles and - shock horror - managed not to pass it straight to the opposition again once he had won it.
It was finally the Barton we thought Newcastle were signing when he moved from Manchester City. Unfortunately, with two court cases hanging over him in the summer, he might only get the last seven games of the season to show he can maintain that sort of form before a little holiday at her Majesty’s Pleasure!
Then there was Geremi. He runs like a 40-year-old, but he can still deliver a decent cross and he broke up play a number of times in midfield simply by anticipating where the opposition were going to try and put it. It’s sad really, because I remember Geremi being a fantastic player when he was at Middlesbrough for a season, but it’s good to see that he still has something to offer.
I was also impressed with Jose Enrique and Nicky Butt, but of course the name on everybody’s lips - or at least in their vague thoughts - is Michael Owen.
Now, I don’t like to say I told you so, but I did predict at the start of the season when Owen was being slagged off by many fans that he would end the season as the club’s top goalscorer. His header last Saturday took him to eight for the season, one ahead of Obafemi Martins and how many of you would bet against me now?
The problem with Owen, however, is that, as soon as he starts playing well, doubts about his future emerge. If he’s not scoring he’s finished, if he is, he’s leaving. Newcastle can’t seem to win.
It will be interesting to see how his contract talks - his present deal runs out at the end of next season - pan out over the next few months.
He’s already on £110,000-a-week and I wonder if he’ll want a pay rise to sign an extended one? Will he insist on escape clauses like he did when he moved from Real Madrid? Or will he simply bluff and stall, let his contract whittle down and then sign a lucrative Bosman-style free transfer next January or force Newcastle to accept whatever offers they might get for him this summer?
Keegan has made it clear that the club must do everything they can to keep him and I just wonder whether, when Owen sits down with his advisors, there is anyone else he wants to go? I still can’t see any of the Big Four looking at him other than Liverpool, and Owen won’t like Rafa Benitez’ rotation policy.
He is captain at Newcastle and, tellingly, his relationship with Kevin Keegan looks strong. I noticed after Owen scored against Fulham that he turned to the bench and gave a clenched fist celebration to his manager. Little things like that tell me he and Keegan have become close and that could be crucial.
Of course, you know what will happen don’t you? Owen will be offered and will sign a lucrative four-year contract in the summer and then break his leg playing for England!
If that’s depressed you, sorry, but just think of Matty in his briefs trying to explain to police what has happened, that should make you smile!
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